The Myth of the Age of the Individual

We seem to be living in the age of the individual, where the sole goal is to identify yourself, not by the person you are, but rather people you don’t identify with. This turns into a large catalog of negatives. Where is the introspection? Where is the self-discovery? Where is the catalog of the things you love? How to expect to find your passion, your soul mate, when you can only specify what they should NOT be.

What is with this stupid business of being offended by everything. If someone tells you they are offended by something, and that something doesn’t kill or maim them, tell them to harden the fuck up! Being offended is a sign of a weak character. Why bother. Look away, by all means, find something to cheer you up. And move on. That’s one less negative to catalog.

Consider this:

Children, your parents may be at fault, but they are molded from an unhealthy system and need your help.

Parents, your children may be at fault, but the system is much worse now. So think wisely, loosen up, do your thing, and let them do theirs.

There will always be common ground. You will not lose your identity if you agree with each other on a few points. Common ground is what we should be celebrating. Differences also, because they can influence us positively if we focus on the good.

Part of the problem is the yes/no system we seem to live by. I prefer a yes/no/maybe scoring system. Yes is equal to 80% percent or more, no is equal to 20% or less, maybe, is everything in between. When a person, or an idea, or a theory seems to me to be a yes, I’m on board. The rest I put aside. How do you score? Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. Whatever works.

I think I was 13 when I first began to see that the system had issues. Before then, life was bliss. By 17 I resolved to not be part of the problem, which involved a decision to be slow to anger, to turn the other cheek, and to be kind, accommodating, and helpful as possible. It was the only way to stay sane! Life was to be enjoyed, as best one can. Fun was to be had. ANd I had plenty.

People with negative opinions were to be avoided. Opinions, in general, were to be avoided since they are not facts.

I’m very happy to have followed that path as best I can, for some 40+ years. Even as the system is falling down, I’m still finding ways to have fun.

Help others.

A Day in the Life

Oscar Gallifray eyes the console. Nervously he wittles a 3-button ergonomic mouse using his state-of-the-art Lithuanian pen-knife with optional password decoder. He ponders Shakespeare’s intent in Scene II as he assumes the character for his part as a one-eyed newt in the upcoming Curtin production of Hamlet.

Jurgan Hubcap, (the J is silent as in potato) or Mr Tact as his friends call him, embraces his geneology. Pondering his last minute nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, he pens a letter of humility to Mother Teresa, exhorting her to keep the faith, and something about a horses head. A mail alias called drivel with him as the only recipient seems to be the only plausible solution.

Sherman Meteor dribbles across the court. The abscence of a ball enhances this aquatic event. His treatise on humour, “Ha Bloody Ha” never made the bestsellers list and gathers cobwebs next to an autographed copy of Mein Kamp. Flacco consoles him while the Sandman brings him a nightmare.

Rafael Le Clapp, checks the share prices on Kinder Incorporated, and grins inanely at his plastic condor. He’s been on the ASCII wagon for 3 months, and showing vast signs of improvement. Rent-A-Shed have come to his aid once again in alleviating his Kinder storage requirements.

Perry Panther Panacea wrestles with puberty. His dreams of a ’67 Brougham convertable with candy-apple red PVC seats goes largely unfullfilled. Mills and Boon have rejected his latest offering, “Finger on my Dipstick”. Sadly, true genius always goes unrewarded, but that is not relevant here.

Damian Gerabaldi draws inspiration from his Japanese comic collection The parallels between the key character dialogs and Ada95 exception handling are a source of great comfort to him. Life may not imitate art, but then neither does techno.

Ren Nickerbocker hacks into his Curtin account and stealthfully taps the alt.binaries.pictures.legs.akimbo newsgroup. His plans to tour Australia towing a 26 foot caravan behind a Yamaha 250 cc trail bike with bludgeoned handlebar are not without merit. The relevant authorities have been notified.

Dieter (Antioch) Burgundy, pens a short ode to Michael Moorcock, as he considers once again the pros and cons of changing his name by deed poll. There’s nothing for it but to stretch that book on reading out. His new hiking boots ferment in a vat of egg yolk in preparation for his upcoming trek along the Ganges with spiritual facilitator Magnus Eggbeater.

Julietta Coredump works to improve morale. The tap-dancing camels will arrive late this afternoon for an impromptu performance and sausage sizzle. That should just about do it.

William Epitath rechecks the use-by date on his Certificate of Sanity. Hmmm, time for another checkup methinks… Ahhhhh… That’s better.

(The above item was authored by a random character generator hooked up to a 32-bit ouija board, using a RISK processor the size of a pea.)

Paper Plane Sales Refloat Zimbabwe Economy

An enterprising group of students from the Arts Department of the University of Zimbabwe have managed by accident to kick start their country’s economy by selling paper planes made from Zimbabwe bank notes.

What had initially started out as a fraternity dare has turned into a huge boon for the country. Many Zimbabweans have been quick to jump onto the bandwagon by introducing other offbeat uses for the currency, including paper hats, paper boats, Christmas wrapping paper, and wallpaper.

We approached an official from the Zimbabwe Treasury, but he was unable to give comment, saying his hands were tied (which they were).

According to eBay, the new currency craft category is fast becoming one of its top sellers. The only glitch encountered so far, was in PayPal’s currency conversion algorithm, which triggered an overflow of zeroes that forced the online invoice onto multiple screens. A patch was quickly applied.

Update: Other countries have also begun to follow suit as their currencies falter under the current glocal economic crisis. Various market analysts have raised concerns this new income stream will wreak havoc on the global economy and some have asked that sanctions (such as paper cuts) be imposed.

What is a start?

What is a start? Writing is like living in retrospect. Normally
you think a thought, and then you think another. With writing, you
think, then you stop while you note it down. Its like applying a
brake.

Retrospect. So you can look back at some later time, and have
proof of a thought you interrupted. Some therapeutic value is
expected. Revisiting advertises patterns to learn from. We hope.

I prefer the big picture to the detail. I never complete the big
picture, so I miss the detail. What is a start?

Daylight Savings Disaster Hastens Global Warming

Countries who had previously introduced daylight savings as a hedge against their current economic woes are now paying the price for their greed.

Background:

The mutual trading of daylight between countries was first introduced in 1987 as a means of alleviating harsh weather conditions. During severe heat waves, countries could get and give relief by depositing their excess daylight at the Global Solar Exchange. There it would be traded with countries encountering a severe winter.

Scientists had first experimented with the transmission of daylight using geostationary communications satellites as early as 1978, but the satellites would generally be destroyed in the heat intensive process. However, in 1982, an accidental teaming up with a team of cosmetics researchers produced a breakthrough. Although the actual details of the new approach remain proprietry, it is believed to have had something to do with the unique molecular structure of an SP32+ lip gloss.

With success came outrage, however, as members of various weather monitoring authorities summised that the constant continental drift of daylight would confuse the ecosystem and cause the polar caps to melt. However, the discovery of a hole in the ozone the size of a pea was presumed to be a more plausible reason for such a meltdown, and the technology was ratified.

Then a recent Christmas Day raid by a terrorist illuminati group calling themselves the Wise Crack Of Dawn resulted in the siphoning of most of the stockpile, which was routed to a rogue satellite strategically placed over a once pea-sized hole. Again, in a frightening turn of events, the non lip-gloss-impregnated satellite, becoming, first sentient, then enlightened, lost track of itself and deposited the daylight where it deemed the need was most apparent – the opposing poles of the planet. A raft of meteorological changes has since ensued.

Investment bankers have not been phased by the tragedy though, and have been quick to shift their investment portfolios to property, buying up now desolate but soon-to-be coastal real estate.

(Originally posted Jan 2009)

Pascal's Triangle

Pascal’s triangle was invented by [[Blaise Pascal]] during his autistic period. Intending to prove that the shortest distance between two points was a metric foot, he stumbled upon the following pattern achieved by adding the sum of the other to the one before and just a jump to the left.

                         1
                       1   1
                     1   2   1
                   1   3   3   1
                 1   4   6   4   1
               1   5  10  10   5   1
             1   6  15  20  15   6   1
           1   7  21  35  35  21   7   1
                     :        :

Blaise got the idea for this triangular configuration while watching light bulbs flash on the family Christmas tree. Incidentally, when one of these bulbs accidentally landed on his head, he came closer to discovering gravity than a cure for cancer, but managed to avoid both epiphanies with unequal dexterity.

Applications

The applications of the triangle are one of none and many. While most have been documented, others have been held in trust by deceased members of the [[Da Vinci Code of Ethics]], hence the obtuse smile on the [[Moaning Lisa]]’s poker face. A few follow.

Navigation

Provides a tracking overlay for relocating ships or socks loitering in the [[Bermuda Triangle]].

Mathematics

The triangle can be used to determine the coefficients of algebraic equations having many solutions for


It has also been used to prove that “89 is really 99″ but this is more of a theological statement and thus not subject to mathematical [[rigor mortis]].

Music

Can be played in any orchestra having as many violins as violinists, as long as the music isn’t two squared. This is especially true when [[Mars trine Venus]]. Pascal’s triangle appearance in orchestral pieces has fallen from favour since very few musicians have ever isoscelesed it.

Military

Was used in the [[Golf War]] to triangulate the location of missing [[birdie|birdies]] and [[bogey|bogeys]].

An effective method of killing the enemy is to lure them into Pascal’s Triangle with the promise of lots of virgins and then drop lots of virgins on top of them from a great height.

Ecology

By joining four triangles to form a pyramid it is possible to locate water in any river, as long it’s not the Nile.

Software Engineering

When applied to software that has run adrift of its specification, Pascal’s triangle (also known as the Holy Trinity of the [[Model-View-Controller|MVC]], as referred to by the [[Gang of Three]]) allows you (or your kin) to reverse engineer all your executables back to a infinite series of poetic [[goto]] statements.

(Originally posted on uncyclopedia.org. Altered at whim.)

Insider Reveals Internet Invented By Cosmetics Industry

It is a little-known fact that the cosmetics industry has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades.

I spoke at length with Fabian (not his real name), a veteran cosmetics researcher, about some of the pioneering work he had been involved in.

“You do not realise the difficulties involved in bundling the latest technologies into beauty products,” he said.

“Combining cross-linked elastin in a deep hydrating base is one thing, but when you then try to add intelligent hyper-bionic omni-nurturing eco-illogical agents to the mix, you have to find some way to meet the escalating power requirements.”

“In the early days, to get around this, the more expensive brands of hair shampoo came with a ‘Shake Before Opening’ instruction.”

Fabian went on to explain how shaking would actually kick-start a small hydro-electric dynamo in the base of the bottle. This would in turn set off a tiny thermo-nuclear reaction which linked the base elastin to a heavily doped super-melatonin cupsize-pervoskite. This allowed (by means of mobiate osmosis) the negative steam ions to form small colonies of faith-healing enzymes that would apply an appropriate virtual prosthesis to each follicle.

“The hair is thus encouraged to waver and recoil in the manner of an anionic mobius strip – a configuration that has produced some of the best body-to-bounce ratios achieved to date, even for the most recalcitrant of frizz, brittleness, after-burn and split ends.”

I asked Fabian what happened if people didn’t shake the bottle.

“Well, the stuff just does not work! All it does then is clean hair! No body, no bounce, no anti-shimmer, frizz-defrosting, highlight-enhancing, follicle re-welding improvement at all!”

At this point, I pondered that for some products, shaking just would not make sense. I asked him about that.

“Sure. We knew we needed to take another approach. Nobody was going to fall for having to shake cutting-edge face putty. (Actually, our surveys proved us wrong on that.) ”

He went on to explain that as far back as 1969, it was becoming apparent that an internal power source would be required, and how this led to the invention of the digital watch battery, which in turn led to the invention of the digital watch.

The CR2032 battery (CR being short for cosmetics research) was specifically designed for the cosmetics industry; the digital watches being a decoy market for them.

“Embedding the battery within product lids solved all our power requirements in one go. Well at least until the next power surge hurdle.”

He went on to explain that some more recent beauty products are plug-and-play, and that nutrient metadata updates are now automatically downloaded to each product. These downloads are calibrated from messages sent from miniature response beacons deployed to the user’s skin or scalp during first application.

The downloads used a hybrid strapless infra-mauve elastic-stretch technology, once again achieved through research pioneered by the industry, which was forced to invent the Internet as a side-product, in order to perfect it.

“It’s daunting trying to imagine what we will have to come up with next,” he added.

Indeed it is.

We Are More Than…

we are more than just data we are motive
we are more than just weird we are clues
we are more than just order we are chaos
we are more than just despair we are the blues

we are more than just here we are moving
we are more than just legal we are true
we are more than just defined we are changing
we are more than just ego we are you

we are more than just body we are soul
we are more than just here we rock and roll

Well For A Start At Least

I dream of a world where

  • sex is just people playing with their bodies
  • drugs is just people playing with their minds
  • art is just people sharing their creations
  • work is just people looking out for each other
  • life is just people playing
  • children are life’s richest reward *
  • fear is done with
  • love is all giving

Well for a start at least.

* Children are currently life’s bravest reward.

(This would mean free chocolate)

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