Insider Reveals Internet Invented By Cosmetics Industry

It is a little-known fact that the cosmetics industry has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades.

I spoke at length with Fabian (not his real name), a veteran cosmetics researcher, about some of the pioneering work he had been involved in.

“You do not realise the difficulties involved in bundling the latest technologies into beauty products,” he said.

“Combining cross-linked elastin in a deep hydrating base is one thing, but when you then try to add intelligent hyper-bionic omni-nurturing eco-illogical agents to the mix, you have to find some way to meet the escalating power requirements.”

“In the early days, to get around this, the more expensive brands of hair shampoo came with a ‘Shake Before Opening’ instruction.”

Fabian went on to explain how shaking would actually kick-start a small hydro-electric dynamo in the base of the bottle. This would in turn set off a tiny thermo-nuclear reaction which linked the base elastin to a heavily doped super-melatonin cupsize-pervoskite. This allowed (by means of mobiate osmosis) the negative steam ions to form small colonies of faith-healing enzymes that would apply an appropriate virtual prosthesis to each follicle.

“The hair is thus encouraged to waver and recoil in the manner of an anionic mobius strip – a configuration that has produced some of the best body-to-bounce ratios achieved to date, even for the most recalcitrant of frizz, brittleness, after-burn and split ends.”

I asked Fabian what happened if people didn’t shake the bottle.

“Well, the stuff just does not work! All it does then is clean hair! No body, no bounce, no anti-shimmer, frizz-defrosting, highlight-enhancing, follicle re-welding improvement at all!”

At this point, I pondered that for some products, shaking just would not make sense. I asked him about that.

“Sure. We knew we needed to take another approach. Nobody was going to fall for having to shake cutting-edge face putty. (Actually, our surveys proved us wrong on that.) ”

He went on to explain that as far back as 1969, it was becoming apparent that an internal power source would be required, and how this led to the invention of the digital watch battery, which in turn led to the invention of the digital watch.

The CR2032 battery (CR being short for cosmetics research) was specifically designed for the cosmetics industry; the digital watches being a decoy market for them.

“Embedding the battery within product lids solved all our power requirements in one go. Well at least until the next power surge hurdle.”

He went on to explain that some more recent beauty products are plug-and-play, and that nutrient metadata updates are now automatically downloaded to each product. These downloads are calibrated from messages sent from miniature response beacons deployed to the user’s skin or scalp during first application.

The downloads used a hybrid strapless infra-mauve elastic-stretch technology, once again achieved through research pioneered by the industry, which was forced to invent the Internet as a side-product, in order to perfect it.

“It’s daunting trying to imagine what we will have to come up with next,” he added.

Indeed it is.

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