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It is a little known fact that the cosmetics industry has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades.

I spoke at length with Fabian (not his real name), a veteran cosmetics researcher, about some of the pioneering work he had been involved in.

“You do not realise the difficulties involved in bundling the latest technologies into beauty products” he said.

“Combining cross-linked elastin in a deep hydrating base is one thing, but when you then try to add intelligent hyper-bionic omni-nurturing eco-illogical agents to the mix, you have to find some way to meet the escalating power requirements.”

“In the early days, to get around this, the more expensive brands of hair shampoo came with a ‘Shake Before Opening’ instruction.”

Fabian went on to explain how shaking would actually kick start a small hydro-electric dynamo in the base of the bottle. This would in turn set off a tiny thermo-nuclear reaction which linked the base elastin to a heavily doped super-melatonin cupsize-pervoskite. This allowed (by means of mobiate osmosis) the negative steam ions to form small colonies of faith-healing enzymes that would apply an appropriate virtual prosthesis to each follicle.

“The hair is thus encouraged to waver and recoil in the manner of an anionic mobius strip - a configuration that has produced some of the best body-to-bounce ratios achieved to date, even for the most recalcitrant of frizz, brittleness, after-burn and split ends.”

I asked Fabian what happened if people didn’t shake the bottle.

“Well the stuff just does not work! All it does then is clean hair! No body, no bounce, no anti-shimmer, frizz-defrosting, highlight-enhancing, follicle re-welding improvement at all!”

At this point I pondered that for some products, shaking just would not make sense. I asked him about that.

“Sure. We knew we needed to take another approach. Nobody was going to fall for having to shake cutting-edge face putty. (Actually our surveys proved us wrong on that.) ”

He went on to explain that as far back as 1969, it was becoming apparent that an internal power source would be required, and how this led to the invention of the digital watch battery, which in turn led to the invention of the digital watch.

The CR2032 battery (CR being short for cosmetics research) was specifically designed for the cosmetics industry; the digital watches being a decoy market for them.

“Embedding the battery within product lids solved all our power requirements in one go. Well at least until the next power surge hurdle.”

He went on to explain that some more recent beauty products are plug-and-play, and that nutrient meta data updates are now automatically downloaded to each product. These downloads are calibrated from messages sent from miniature response beacons deployed to the user’s skin or scalp during first application.

The downloads used a hybrid strapless infra-mauve elastic-stretch technology, once again achieved through research pioneered by the industry, which was forced to invent the Internet as a side-product, in order to perfect it.

“It’s daunting trying to imagine what we will have to come up with next.” he added.

Indeed it is.

An enterprising group of students from the Arts Department of the University of Zimbabwe have managed by accident to kick start their country’s economy by selling paper planes made from Zimbabwe bank notes.

What had initially started out as a fraternity dare has turned into a huge boon for the country. Many Zimbabweans have been quick to jump onto the bandwagon by introducing other offbeat uses for the currency, including paper hats, paper boats, Christmas wrapping paper, and wallpaper.

We approached an official from the Zimbabwe Treasury, but he was unable to give comment, saying his hands were tied (which they were).

According to eBay, the new currency craft category is fast becoming one of its top sellers. The only glitch encountered so far, was in PayPal’s currency conversion algorithm, which triggered an overflow of zeroes that forced the online invoice onto multiple screens. A patch was quickly applied.

Update: Other countries have also begun to follow suit as their currencies falter under the current glocal economic crisis. Various market analysts have raised concerns this new income stream will wreak havoc on the global economy and some have asked that sanctions (such as paper cuts) be imposed.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Lucifer.”

“Lucifer who?”

“Oh you are so funny. Lucifer the black sheep.”

“Hey! What brings you here?”

“I’m bored.”

“How are you coping with the light?”

“Shades. You like them.”

“Yeah. Very ooka long bang bang.”

“Where’s your son?”

“Out back I think. You want me to call him?”

“No thanks. Just enquiring.”

“So why are you bored?”

“I think I’m going through a mid-death crisis.”

“It happens to the best of us you know. Remember the ark?”

“When the rains first came?”

“Off day.”

“You get that.”

“Amen.”

“Whatever.”

“So what have you been up to?”

“Oh the usual; roaming the earth and going back and forth on it; back and forth; back and forth.

“Have you been reading the book?”

“Audio streaming.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“That’s not the term I’d use; believe me.”

“Believe you? Now there’s a challenge.”

“I’ll ignore that. So what are you up to?”

“The usual. Creating stuff.”

“Sounds boring.”

“You should try it.”

“I’d rather be crutching sheep.”

“So I’ve heard. And how is that working for you?”

“Better the devil you know.”

Countries who had previously introduced daylight savings as a hedge against their current economic woes are now paying the price for their greed.

Background:

The mutual trading of daylight between countries was first introduced in 1987 as a means of alleviating harsh weather conditions. During severe heat waves, countries could get and give relief by depositing their excess daylight at the Global Solar Exchange. There it would be traded with countries encountering a severe winter.

Scientists had first experimented with the transmission of daylight using geostationary communications satellites as early as 1978, but the satellites would generally be destroyed in the heat intensive process. However, in 1982, an accidental teaming up with a team of cosmetics researchers produced a breakthrough. Although the actual details of the new approach remain proprietry, it is believed to have had something to do with the unique molecular structure of an SP32+ lip gloss.

With success came outrage, however, as members of various weather monitoring authorities summised that the constant continental drift of daylight would confuse the ecosystem and cause the polar caps to melt. However, the discovery of a hole in the ozone the size of a pea was presumed to be a more plausible reason for such a meltdown, and the technology was ratified.

Then a recent Christmas Day raid by a terrorist illuminati group calling themselves the Wise Crack Of Dawn resulted in the siphoning of most of the stockpile, which was routed to a rogue satellite strategically placed over a once pea-sized hole. Again, in a frightening turn of events, the non lip-gloss-impregnated satellite, becoming, first sentient, then enlightened, lost track of itself and deposited the daylight where it deemed the need was most apparent - the opposing poles of the planet. A raft of meteorological changes has since ensued.

Investment bankers have not been phased by the tragedy though, and have been quick to shift their investment portfolios to property, buying up now desolate but soon-to-be coastal real estate.

dear god / imaginary entity / supreme being / yoda / elvis / orson

how’s tricks?

“”

a point of order i’d like to raise

i just want to have it on record - that i’m expecting you expect me to expect to reap what i expected to sow - now that’s not firm ok - i’m just you know like putting it out there - we can talk about it later

“”

then i think its a bug - it’s definitely not an enhancement!

“”

question time? oh alright

yeah as much as can expected in these gloomy times - not lately - no - no - i’d rather be crutching sheep - no - sort of - the code is on drugs - whatever - i guess - tired - to who? - 42 - a fart creates an infinite number of past galaxies - world hunger - open source - you wish - don’t ask

so are we clear? crystal? oh and get someone to fix the weather

“”

ok cheers - now bugger off - btw satan say hi xxx ooo lol

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just keep turning up - the mee goreng of life - well for a start at least